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05/04/16

You know that hopeless feeling you get after you smash out a workout?
Well I got that tonight, as a result, I was scoping out social media sites and came across this account, don't get me wrong, I was so not stalking or anything, I think it was just similar interests in crap that brought it to my attention. Anyway, obviously I just had a small scroll through and I really feel like after a reflection of this week, it's not getting any better and it never will.
We are two completely different people on opposing ends of the scales. I...honestly thought that with everything you've been through and the huge negative impact it's made on you, we could pull through because I so badly wanted to change that. But I suppose what went wrong here was you weren't ready for it. You have your daily schedules and it was all routine. The only thing that really changed was the minority, me. Regardless of whether or not you like the way things are or were, you weren't and aren't ready for change. Change in perspective, attitude and love, you aren't ready for. Maybe it's really taken me a year to figure it out but you know I'm here now.
I mean, you tell me you don't understand why I've stuck around for so long, obviously I didn't intend on sticking around for this long either but you know, I'm here, so what now..
I have this mindset where I can't stand seeing people important to me hurt, upset or you know anything that affects them negatively, so I meddle and i try to change that. I know I shouldn't be meddling but you only need to deal with it if you're important, and if that's you, then I'm sorry.
I just don't like knowing that my friends are hurting. When I try to do it with you I felt like maybe I could really change that and make you a lot happier but I'm not sure that's even what you want.
Also, don't get me wrong, I'm no saint myself, I know I have my own faults myself but I guess the point of this post is to remind myself that this really isn't going to work. And every time things go good again and people tell me it's just a phase, I'll use this to get myself out of thinking anything.
It's the only way I can try to let go.
My emotional needs can't be satisfied with you, once again, it's not your fault though, it's the way we are, I need someone who can be there for me, who I can be comfortable talking to about anything, I used to be able to confide in you about everything but now I feel like every conversation is bothersome. I also need someone who will be there when I need them, as screwed up as our schedules are, this has nothing to do with it, it's the small things like being able to call you when I'm desperate for help, for instance being lost. My phone was on 5% battery, I was lost with no idea where I was and I was alone and you didn't call back, you didn't even bother returning a text. I can't be with someone like that. When I need you, I need to know that you'll be around when I need you to be. And I can't keep playing your bipolar games, they're not fun anymore. Sometimes I'm welcome and other times I'm not, unfortunately my feelings doesn't work like that.
So through the reflection of your posts, I have come to one conclusion, this won't work out, I cant give you what you need.

Sometimes I feel like I should put this back to private to save people from having to read this.